i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
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Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
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how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
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