Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Randomize
