my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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