The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
Randomize
