he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Randomize
