omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
Randomize
