Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
Randomize
