i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Randomize
