I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
