Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
