There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
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