I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
