it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
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