you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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