I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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