i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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