mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
I think I sprained my soul last night
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
Randomize
