Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
