Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
