She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
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