I am in a vortex of obligation.
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize
