What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
