So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
Randomize
