Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
