I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Randomize
