if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
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