Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Randomize
