OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
