There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
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