he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
