I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
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