This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
