Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
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i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
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You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
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