...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
