Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
