dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
Randomize
