I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
