I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I am at a striph cluv. They are ovealls everywhere. I have hot rock botto.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
I'm getting married
To pizza
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Randomize
