Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
