u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
