It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
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