i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
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