Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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