my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Randomize
