She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize
