Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
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