And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
Randomize
