someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Randomize
