u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
