why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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