I am at the point in my high where i now know/understand chinese.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
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