I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
Randomize
