i'm three days dirty after drinking 14 hours last night and some other questionable behavior (hula hooping at a large concert, for example) i will just always bring the class. and the sluttiness.
Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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