I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
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it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
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I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
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