Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
The struggles of a small town man whore
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Randomize
