I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
